Do you remember the Human Fund Episode of Seinfeld, where George creates the fund and then gives "in honor of" donation cards to his coworkers for the holidays? He explains further, "I think I could be a philanthropist. A kick ass philanthropist! I would have all this money and people would love me. Then they would come to me and beg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out and then they would owe me big time! The first thing I'm going to need is a driver."
[Author's note: I started a nonprofit for this exact reason myself. The begging packs a powerful ego headrush, second only to the celebrity caliber popularity. I still need the driver though. If you are interested in this position, please email your resume to the address listed on this blog. Thank you.]
Anyway, I decided to try sort of a reverse version of The Human Fund for Christmas this year. Here is the email I sent out:
I truly appreciate how generous you are with me on holidays, however, in the spirit of true giving and paying it forward, etc., I am asking that people make a donation to one of the charities below in lieu of buying me gifts.Now don't get me wrong, I am no Mother Theresa. I am a typical greedy, sweeping, bloated consumerist American, who makes a good sized asshole footprint on this planet. I just honestly couldn't think of anything I wanted this year.
Of course, if this does not work for you no worries! I don't need to know what you decide. Just an idea.... : )
I sent that email out last week, and so far I am going to have to chalk this little holiday experiment up to a big fat, backfire. The few responses I have gotten are peeps thinking I am requesting this out of a desire to not gift to them. Unlike George, I wasn't looking for the ole, oh-no-I/we-have-to-get-you-a-gift-but-I/we-don't-want-anything-this-year response. Damnit!
So, fuck it -- revisions to my Christmas wishlist are as follows:
- New car -- Anything but a Prius. If you get me a Prius, I will stab you in the neck
- Fur coat -- Winter PETA protests are brutal without a cozy animal to wrap up in
- Pony -- Just would be nice - an actual mini horse would be nicer
- Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force -- I will take the guy who does his voice if you can't bring Carl to life in an easy bake oven or Weird Science sort of way.
- Donuts -- enough said
- A younger sib -- because the gift of a person it is legal to beat the crap out of is priceless - ask my brother
- Cash -- because it's king baby! And of course I will need it to start my Save the Orphans and Whales slush fund