Thursday, December 25, 2008

Happy Birthday Baby Jesus!

My humble gift to cyberspace on this blessed day...

And Freebird, I am calling you out! If you are half the Ohio State fan you claim to be, you will unearth your Santa visit pic from that mall trip and share it with the world. Mr. I-Got-To-Sit-On-His-Lap-And-You-Didn't! -- jerk.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Happy Hannukah II -- Electric Bugaloo

FOUND IT! An excerpt of it anyway.

Happy Hannukah!

Being the fun-loving godless ass that I am, Hannukah just wouldn't be properly celebrated without Harry.

Sorry, you have to sit through an advert to see the clip, but Youtube failed to have HH at all. Shame be upon them! And I'll be damned if I could find the one where he actually saves Christmas posted anywhere.

The Jews really need to get a better toe hold in the entertainment industry....


Thursday, December 18, 2008

Little Nut Grabbing, Tree Hugging Bastards!

I hate squirrels.......or rats with a better coat as I like to refer to them. I have never understood a love for these little vermin.

My dad used to name and feed the ones that came through his yard, and all I could ever envision was a back of the neck sneak attack when I went out there. Imagine my dad's horror when he finds me face down with the top of my spine chewed out and a blood smeared squirrel face sneering at him as it ducks behind my head. Not a pretty sight is it?! Well, a time or two I went out there and that scenario seemed imminent as I heard little evil feet scampering over the roof towards me.

I have also been challenged to more than one Mexican Standoff with a squirrel when I was only trying to walk to wherever I was going. Minding my own business, they would just leap out at me and not move. When I displayed my docility by moving aside to let the little hairy aggressor pass, they would jump in my path again, getting all up in my grill!

Anyway, I tell you all of this in a celebratory manner because my dislike and distrust has finally been vindicated!

Squirrel Defamation League

Suck on that tough nut Squirrel!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Hey Troops - America F***s You!

The Department of Defense has a program named America Supports You. Created to reach out to deployed and previously deployed military, their site lists many charities who's mission is to help out our service members both home and abroad.


From Bloomberg:
ASY was established in 2004 and during the next three years received $9.2 million in government funding, according to the audit. Most of that money -- $8.8 million -- was spent on contracts with the Davis firm for public relations activities, the audit said.

Under those contracts, four senior program managers were paid annual salaries ranging from $312,821 to $662,691 in 2007, according to the audit.

I know government corruptness is nothing new, but this one makes my head want to explode with extra force! Our service members are working hard for this country -- in a combat zone -- the last thing they need is for our government to make a greedy joke out of a program designed to show them much deserved acknowledgement and support.

From personal experience I can say that it is difficult enough to gain donor trust and support without programs like this making everyone look suspicious.

Click here to read more on this heartwarming story of greed and bullshit.

Thanks for staying classy ASY!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

The baby Jesus would have liked it!

Sleeping with people is always an interesting endeavor to me. Whether you are 10 years old at your first slumber party or hitting the hay with your spouse of 50 years, we all at one time or another probably figure out the delicate dance of co-hibernating.

Without getting too intimate about this intimacy, I slept with a dude last night. Literally. I have done it before in fact -- slept -- with BF. This time was different though. I woke at about 3:00 a.m. to find a pillow lodged on it's narrow, long side in between each of our own pillows. "WTF?!" crossed my mind as I propped myself on one elbow to look over the top of the new barrier BF had obviously put up after I had fallen asleep. There, on the other side was BF, lying on his back softly huffing through his mouth on each exhale. His hands were even curled over the top of the covers like he was getting ready to imitate a dog or some other little pawed creature. He looked so peaceful.

" cute" I thought as I tried to remember how long he had told me one time it takes a person to lose consciousness from suffocation. Why? Because I was staving of an overwhelming urge to clap the pillow between us right over his little unassuming sleepy face!

I know, I know. Maybe I am jumping to conclusions here. Perhaps he didn't mean to put the pillow there like that. -- he meant it.

Several hours later I open my eyes and see him looking back at me over the cotton filled fence he built, volunteering an explanation with no prompting. "I'm sorry, but your nostrils are like giant air movers. I couldn't take it -- too much air, so I put this up as a shield."

An "air shield" for protection from my supposed giant "air movers"........hmm.......the nerve of some people!

Then I got to thinking. It's December and many of us are getting ready to celebrate Christmas. Well, the dear sweet 8 lb, 6oz baby Jesus in golden fleece diapers would have loved me breathing on him all night! Remember the manger scene? Even the animals kept their air movers right on him so he could grow up big and strong and save us all from our sins or whatever.

I told BF this, and he was completely unimpressed and unconvinced. Dick.

If only I had been born BCE......I would be appreciated.

Friday, December 12, 2008

You absolutely MUST give me this recipe!

A new cookbook arrived in my mail today. I ordered it after a friend sent me a link for it right around Thanksgiving. This new read is titled: Natural Harvest, A collection of semen-based recipes.

Oh yeah, you read that correctly ... semen-based.

Some of the tasty treats featured include, Irish Coffee with Extra Cream, Slightly Saltier Caviar, Tuna Sashimi with Homemade Dipping Sauce, and Cum Creme Carmel.

You may or may not be surprised to know that the author is a homosexual man with one of those fabulous middle-aged gay lisps, or lithsps (did I spell that right 55?).

He passes down quite a bit of jiz wizdom in this book, like how long semen can be left out, or refridgerated before use (1-2 hours and 2-3 days respectively for the inquiring minds).

My Review: Homeslice has a giant freak flag waving right next to that rainbow one!

Photenhaur has no formal culinary training, and although I know he is taking himself very seriously, the book is a total joke -- which is why I purchased it in the first place.

He's just trying to make money off of his particular fetish, and he isn't the first person to ever try that. He made 25 bucks off of me out of my sheer curiosity alone; I can only imagine who buys it to actually try out the recipes.

Because I am sick -- and a jerk, I want to make something he lists without the semen and then bring out the book as soon as my intended victim is done enjoying the dish [insert wicked laugh here].

Even just reading from it has been a most entertaining form of torture. The following excerpt is on one of the last pages and it ended up pushing my bf over the edge, as evidenced by a dry heave on his part that made me laugh so hard I could barely finish reading it out loud.

Chef's Note: Heat up a lightly oiledfrying pan/skillet. Remove from heat and ejaculate directly into the pan, return to heat and fry the semen without stirring. This will create a mini-omelette, or in some cases, many small omellete-drops. Salt and pepper to taste. This is the perfect introductory recipe for all newbie semen cookers.


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Dude....Your Hair....

I absolutely love Mullets! I never tire of them. Just saw one yesterday (yep, and to verify it is 2008) and felt I needed to post a picture collage Ode to the Mullet. Let's get started!

The Baby/Kid Mullet: The most insidious form of child abuse. You feed them right, teach them manners and then go and deliberately set them up for failure with an awful haircut. Girl mullet pictured here is me. That explains a lot, right? Thanks Mom and Dad!

The Midget Mullet: I know, I know, "The Little Person Mullet". [If you think that sounds better, you need to get your funny bone checked, cuz that shit ain't funny.] How much can I say here without really looking like an asshole? Hmm..... Midget. Mullet. Rare, fabulous combo.

The She Mullets: Ladies, ladies, ladies. It's awful enough when the guys do it, but what in the hell were you thinking?! Thank you though -- sincerely and from the very bottom of my heart -- thank you!

So, it's true what they say about redheads....Ssss....Hot! Can't afford you huh? I bet I could spring for some chicken fry and Pabst's Blue Ribbon. Wouldn't be long after that I reckon I could have you face down butt in the air in your 5th wheel with my fingers running through that hot mess!

This is the Butch Mullet to the max right here folks. Crew top, full length in the back. Let's have a little respect here. It probably took her full Lesbianic career to get it that long. Kudos. Actually, she reminds me of the ladies lovin ladies who used to buy me Miller beer and shots of Jagermeister at the gay dive bar I used to sneak into before I was 21. Nice gals.

Sister soldier looks like she is sitting home alone [again] perfecting her profile shot for Mullet "I like long walks on the beach, tractor pulls, hair..."

Before I am awkwardly outed, let me just come clean: This mullet is me too. I wish it were a real one, but just like my boobs and PhD from Columbia -- paid for.

Man Mullets

This is the classic, sweet ass Man Mullet right here. All business in front, full party in back -- nice!
BF - I'm putting it out there right now, if I find this guy, you're out baby!

The Tourist Mullet: See the world, see this hair!

The Skullet: Gone fishing. Hey dude, while you are down there, can you look for some hair? This is technically not quite a Skullet yet, as one has to be sporting the full chrome dome. Earl is getting there though.

The Kid 'N Play Ethnic Mullet: Stuff like this just underscores the opinion that there is a lack of assimilation amongst our immigrant population in this country.

The Serial Killer Mullet: Nothing says "you are going to be my bitch and toss my salad (with grape jelly)!" like the I Will Kill You Mullet. Scary! Don't shank me!

What do you want me to say? Just soak it all in, really sit with it. If ever a picture spoke a thousand words...

And finally...

Safety In Numbers Mullets:

Aww...the family that mullets together, stays together. "Mom, when is Dad going to give up his lame-ass I-could-be-head-roadie-for-Bon-Jovi dream so we can live a normal life?"

Monday, December 8, 2008

Reverse Costanza - Backfired!

Do you remember the Human Fund Episode of Seinfeld, where George creates the fund and then gives "in honor of" donation cards to his coworkers for the holidays? He explains further, "I think I could be a philanthropist. A kick ass philanthropist! I would have all this money and people would love me. Then they would come to me and beg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out and then they would owe me big time! The first thing I'm going to need is a driver."

[Author's note: I started a nonprofit for this exact reason myself. The begging packs a powerful ego headrush, second only to the celebrity caliber popularity. I still need the driver though. If you are interested in this position, please email your resume to the address listed on this blog. Thank you.]

Anyway, I decided to try sort of a reverse version of The Human Fund for Christmas this year. Here is the email I sent out:

I truly appreciate how generous you are with me on holidays, however, in the spirit of true giving and paying it forward, etc., I am asking that people make a donation to one of the charities below in lieu of buying me gifts.

Of course, if this does not work for you no worries! I don't need to know what you decide. Just an idea.... : )

Happy Holidays,
Now don't get me wrong, I am no Mother Theresa. I am a typical greedy, sweeping, bloated consumerist American, who makes a good sized asshole footprint on this planet. I just honestly couldn't think of anything I wanted this year.

I sent that email out last week, and so far I am going to have to chalk this little holiday experiment up to a big fat, backfire. The few responses I have gotten are peeps thinking I am requesting this out of a desire to not gift to them. Unlike George, I wasn't looking for the ole, oh-no-I/we-have-to-get-you-a-gift-but-I/we-don't-want-anything-this-year response. Damnit!

So, fuck it -- revisions to my Christmas wishlist are as follows:

  • New car -- Anything but a Prius. If you get me a Prius, I will stab you in the neck
  • Fur coat -- Winter PETA protests are brutal without a cozy animal to wrap up in
  • Pony -- Just would be nice - an actual mini horse would be nicer
  • Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force -- I will take the guy who does his voice if you can't bring Carl to life in an easy bake oven or Weird Science sort of way.
  • Donuts -- enough said
  • A younger sib -- because the gift of a person it is legal to beat the crap out of is priceless - ask my brother
  • Cash -- because it's king baby! And of course I will need it to start my Save the Orphans and Whales slush fund
Happy Holidays! And you better get to steppin - you've got a shopping list to tackle!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Chinese Restuarant -- A Good Home?

My b.f., BF doesn't like my dog. How one could possibly dislike lil Ruthy I do not know, but he is sticking to that story. Even when hand picking little tidbits from the leftovers and making a hot water gravy with them to go over her kibble, he will tell you he wants to drop a brick on her...or tie balloons to her and float her away....or tape her to the street in front of his house and back over her. Good times.

A couple weeks ago, the lack of lil Ruthy love got to me and I told BF that if he found her a good home, I would let her go. I posed this option not only to get him to shut his pie hole, but also out of a sense that I know my enemy. BF self motivates to coordinate for work, food and bj's; he's not going to go looking for a home for my dog. Plus, I know he thoroughly enjoys complaining about her and if he gave her away, that goes out the window.

So I was feeling pretty secure tonight when we ordered Chinese take-out for dinner. When the food arrives, the doorbell rings and sends Ruth into a barking frenzy. As BF pays the small Asian man who delivered our food, I overhear a conversation from the kitchen.

BF - "You want a dog?"
Small Asian Man - "No."
BF - "You sure? It's a good dog."
Small Asian Man - "No, No."
BF - "Come on...."
Small Asian Man - "You Serious?" [leans around the corner sizing up lil Ruthy]
BF - "Nah, I better not. She will get pissed at me. Next time you come though, when she is not here, you can have it."
[Small Asian Man smiles approvingly and then exits]

He tried to give lil Ruthy to a Chinese restuarant! Are you fucking kidding me?! Small dog. Chinese Restaurant. Come on! How is that a good home?! We had an agreement. My trust is shattered, bj's are going to be ancient history, and I dare say lil Ruthy looks shaken.

I just informed BF of today's post topic and I got "If you are talking smack about me on there, I am going to blow up your computer!"

No one is safe.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Happy Birthday Big V!!

Ahh yes, it's that time of year again, that blessed day Big V arrived. [Okay, proper wording on the aforementioned is "the anniversary of that blessed day Big V arrived." Watch - he is going to catch it and call me on it. Damnit!] I wasn't there, but it just seems like it had to be special.

The occasion is inspiring me to reflect on a bit of our history...

I "met" Vince 2 or 3 years ago on EHarmony. Good times. Yeah, I tried it - shut up.

Anyway, I had a mad crush on him. We're talking constant emails, calling all hours of the night, pictures of my Vince shrine sent to his phone at 4 hour intervals. The day he filed the restraining order is when I think we both knew we would always be friends. Aww.

We had one glorious year together before he fled to Ohio. We made good use of it though! Highlights include, brakestands in my new Mustang down Cherry Ave, Movie Sundays where we would pick the film and then the food that went with it, and lots of hours in his room putting the OAP website together [it's friggin awesome, btw!].

We set the foundation for our own language as well.

Some examples:

"Dude you forgot to hook up the doll" [adapted from Weird Science]- meant that Big V had posted something new during web construction but hadn't refreshed the page so I could see it. Even though the website is done, we still find ways to use this one. It's one of my faves for sure.

"Todd just read the map; I wanna get there!" [adapted from the fab reality show Andrew Dice Clay had last year] - meant one of us was taking too long on a story and/or being tangential, so get to the point already.

"Special skills and Unicorn magic" - is a Dani original I created whenever he would impress me with something techy.

There are more, but I am blanking. Perhaps the birthday boy himself can add to this list.

In summary, [just wanted to use that] We had much fun, lots of laughs, great conversations, and some serious cocktails.

You make the late 30s look fabulous tiger! I hope you have a wonderful birthday!

much love,

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

'Tis the be Naughty...Hells Yeah!

There are so many reasons I love this photo, that I am going to have to make a little list here to cover them all.

1. Okay, let's start at the start: Flashing is just classic! Kudos to all who can go out there and get bare. You really can't go wrong. Any reaction is going to be the right one. Mission Accomplished. Every time. We salute you.

2. Check out Mom on the right. Awesome Reflexes. Looks like she just did an insta-swoop move to not only lean the child away from said yule log, [think Robin Williams stand up here when he is impersonating Adam cautioning Eve on the occasion of the first erection, "Stand back, we don't know how big this thing is going to get!"] but she also got those eyes covered damn quick too. I have heard of ovarian acts of heroism from mothers, but this one is stellar. Good job Mom! No therapy necessary in the future for little Billy on that one. Whew!

3. Now let's move to the left. These two make me both sad and furious at the same time. Shame be upon them for their reaction to this special moment. Seriously, what the hell party people?! Two adults. One flasher. This guy just gave you the gift of spontaneity and you are blowing it [Poor choice of words perhaps; let's not blow anything.] And finally, let me just dust off my feminist hat here and slap it on...Homeslice is not actually covering her eyes for her is he?! Oh no he deh-ent! That's a bunch of crap. Let me underscore my point with a quote from the great Pretty Woman, "I say who, I say when, I say who!" Get your damn hands off her eyes! Street berries and dangle should always be in the safe viewing zone. Relax buddy, it ain't like she paid for it.

4. Center stage is that kid on the bike who looks like he is late for an audition of A Christmas Carol with that red hair, hat, and wreath or whatever slung over his shoulder. He is going to have a great story to tell the Greater Metro Gay Men's Choir when he gets there!

I am going to start praying to Santa today that this season be as blessed as this for me and all those I love.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Monday, December 1, 2008

The Leo Buscaglia Foundation

My maternal grandmother's birthday is coming up in a few days. Eleanor was in many ways the stereotypical Italian Nonna. During Christmas dinners at her house, we would have to squirm through her recitation of a passage from "Seven Stories of Christmas Love" by one of her favorite authors, Leo Buscaglia.

Being that she and Leo were close in age and raised in similarly cultured homes, she just thought he was the cat's meow on humor and wit. I was too young [read: punky] to really appreciate much of him at the time my grandmother was sharing with all of us.

As life would have it, both Leo and Eleanor are gone now, but I find myself wanting to know more about this man she thought had such great gifts. I am reading one of his books "Loving Each Other, The Challenge of Human Relationships" Not at all a bad read so far. And when her birthday arrives on Sunday, I think I will celebrate it by donating to The Leo Buscaglia Foundation

Founded By Dr. Buscaglia in 1984, the foundation serves to give special aid and attention to those who have dedicated themselves to the betterment of others through the art of giving. The LBF is structured around the dynamics of sharing and giving, and influencing others to do the same, the roles of helper and helped constantly interchanging.

This dude may have been on to something: "It's not enough to have lived. We should be determined to live for something. May I suggest that it be creating joy for others, sharing what we have for the betterment of personkind, bringing hope to the lost and love to the lonely" ~ Leo Buscaglia

I invite you to click here and find out more about the work his foundation is doing.