Thursday, January 22, 2009

Goddamn Hippies!!

Phase II of Operation: Sayonara Santa Cruz has to be expression of my fed-upness over hippies.

My open letter to you 'O lame Hippie:

Over the near seven years I have spent in your sacred city of Santa Cruz, I have had many experiences. I would like to discuss a few here as I prepare to depart one of your flag ship towns.

To the UC Santa Cruz Tree Sitting dorks: Get the fuck out of the trees hippies! With everything going on in today's world, that is the best you can do? Really? Just sit in a tree. Riiiighhhht. We are in a war, world hunger is a growing problem, we still have orphans. Find something useful to do! How about getting a job?

[note: bird crap from the skies above is annoying enough, but if enough of you start hangin out up there all the time, someone is going to catch some hippie shit. Eww!

On that note: Get a freakin job! Working and paying taxes is a refreshing way to contribute to the economy. You can sit in the trees on your days off.

To the smelly guy with the Jesus hair and beard but not the divinity glow: I resented being stopped in front of the grocery store while you tried to explain to me how you are teaching The Man a lesson by being homeless, and then in the same I-haven't-brushed-my-teeth-in-two-years breath ask me if I can buy you some potato salad. No, I will not buy you potato salad! It's made by The Man. Get a job!

To the dude that parked next to me at Safeway last year in the old beater Ford truck: Your cat looked miserable in there man. Why in the hell did you think it would want live in that conversion contraption of a camper shell?! The lethargic little eyes peering at me through the chicken wire window holes you made, sort of smacks of ......... oh are living in there too aren't you? Yikeys! Get a job!

To the wandering Sir/Maam with the full blonde goatee and pendulous breasts: You make me uncomfortable. You are nice enough, but I have to admit that you startle the fuck out of me every time I see you. The day you asked me if I could buy you some shoes while in the store left me fighting the urge to offer a bra instead. Although judging by your attire, "new" is probably not the look you are going for. Maybe I should have offered you mine. I think we might have been the same cup size. Again...uncomfortable. And I am not sure where you are going to be able to get a job. You look like a little bit of an HR issue.

To the two topless girls that were wearing just the flannel pajama bottoms and Uggs. It was wasted on me that day in the cafe window sisters - sorry. And you looked really cold, if you know what I mean. I did immediately call my bf though with a full description and he really wished he could have been there.

In parting, suck it hippies -- and I don't mean the peace pipe either!


A few links that help to make my point:

Once again, South Park saves the day but putting things out there so perfectly. Short on time? All I ask is the first 1:52 on this one.
Creepy, tree-mourning hippies....a very unsettling variety.

Once you let them form a drum circle, it's all over.

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