Why I Love Facebook

I joined Facebook earlier this year, and I think it can be solidly categorized as one of my Best Choices For 2009.

As an avid people watcher, and someone who derives no better enjoyment than just watching someone being themselves, FB just simply hardly ever disappoints.

The best stuff seems to come from people I do not know very well. People who have found me after years of non-contact, or friends of friends that are more acquaintances. They throw it all out on FB and I just can't be more grateful!

I have tried to showcase here a few of my favorite kinds of stuff. Names have been changed lest a FB "friend" decides to try and sue me. I would hate to lose Lil Ruthy in a take-all lawsuit.

Okay, let's dig in......

Lord Help Meh!

"Mios Dios" wrote as a status update: "I need a vacation with my husband and Jesus I think the beach sounds good"

Really? A vacation with Jesus? What makes you think he would be such a great travel companion? Was it not his idea to spend 40 days and 40 nights in the desert?! Does that sound relaxing? Is that anywhere near -- or like -- a beach? I don't think so. Just because his year-round wardrobe was sandals and a toga doesn't mean he is going to be up for a party. And remember the little incident with the money changers? This makes me think Mr. J might be anti-The Man and looking right at you when the tab comes at the end of your big Funship with Jesus and Hubby Cruise. Rethink this and let Jesus get back to what he does best (I don't know what that is; I didn't know the man. Leave me alone.).


"Lacey Prayer" wrote as a status update: "I will not lose my joy today. I will not let Satan win."

Well that sounds like a good strategy, and I am all for it. Why should Satan win anyway? Doesn't he already have countless souls, the Mortal Sins, and all of the underworld?! Why should he get Lacey's day too - no way! I say Lacey Prayer - 1 Satan - 0 I'm rootin for ya girl! Where are my fire-proof ankle socks and Pope anointed pom-poms?

On another day Lacey had some potty training woes and lamented on her status update. It wasn't really all that riveting...until...one of her friends comments.

"Potty training is always a stressful time, especially with a baby in the house. Today in our Bible time we were talking about how Adam and Eve's sin affected all of mankind. I'm convinced that potty training ranks up there with pain in childbirth."

Okay, let's pull this crazy train back on the track here -- what?! I think childbirth hurts because one human is passing another human. You mean to tell me that process would tickle under more holy, sin-free circumstances? Hey lady, Do you tell that to everyone who has ordered one of those burritos that is newborn sized, or some poor soul who lost themselves at a cheese party? They are feeling the pain too. I say sin is going to have to suck it on this one.

Just plain TMI

"Trixie Chatterton" posted this as one of her status updates: "do not i repeat do not let hubby take naked pictures of u it will ruin your week!!!!! this is a warning do at your own mental health risk....."

I always love these people. The "Look at me! Compliment me!" peeps are always the first to come undone when they are jonesing for a "You are Fabulous!" fix. Praise thirsty = Endless entertainment. It would probably come as no surprise that Trixie has many home modeling self-portraits on her profile; complete with bikini shots and lots of boobage. And God love her, she has several hundred "friends" on FB from literally around the world...um...even though she has not traveled outside of the Western US. Good times.

"Toasted Pubes" wrote as a status update: "holy crap!!!!! lap top's should be called burn ur crotch tops....ouch!!!!"

Actually I think the burn is to alert you to the fact that you need to get the fuck off of Facebook and get a life! Yeah, I think that's it.

"Fake Fido" wrote "hey can someone tell me how to change my pet in pet society..."

Pet Society? How about real society? How about work society, as in -- get a J-O-B!

Um, What The Fuck Are You Talking About?!

"Jibberish McJibber" had this status update: "my cat, Taco, just wrote her first sonnet and, after considerable review I'm happy to report that it's perfect - 5 iambus per line for 14 lines. quite proud."


Seriously, what the fuck are you talking about?!


Application Crapification

Apparently anyone with a FB account can create a quiz or some other silliness and then circulate it around faster than herpes at a rave. The applications have presets to post your quiz results or application uses on your profile so everyone and their uncle can see how many different lame ways you will resort to when wasting five to seven minutes of your life that you can never get back. Never get back.

The Best of the Worst:

"Appy Crappy" took the Ladys whats your best body part? quiz and the result is BUM

"Quiz Queen" just took the "What Beverly Hills 90210 Character Are You?" quiz and the result is Kelly Taylor.

"United Notions" completed the quiz "THE INNER NATIONALITY QUIZ: WHAT ARE YOU REALLY?" with the result You are Russian. .

"Swal Low" completed the quiz "Which of your Chakras is most open?" with the result Throat.

"Without A. Point" completed the quiz "What Random Object Are You?" with the result Dryer Sheet.

"Spring Chicken" took the What's your old lady name? quiz and the result is Ethel


Thanks to everyone who let me sit in my Captain Voyeur bucket seat on the USS People Watch and sail the FB seas.